So I’m on one of my dating sites and I figure I would browse around a bit. I came across this cute guy and read the entire profile. I was laughing my ass off through the whole thing! Now THIS is a profile I dig from a guy. Of course I love a guy with a sense of humor. Usually guys don’t put anything or just a few lines or how they don’t want drama, blah, blah, blah. But this… this was original.
The line from Highlander about Connor McCloud had me seriously in tears.
The Following is from various website questions that I have been asked. I hope this makes your brain explode. * Tell us about the most important quality you are looking for in a mate and why. I’m looking for a girl that can dance and sing at the same time so I can re-inact the ending of “Grease”. *Does anyone ever read this stuff? Tell us where you view yourself 5 years from now. Family? Career? 5 years from now I’ll be in the fuuuutuuuurrre!! (ooh don’t forget to add in the “echo” effects when you say that.) *What was your life like growing up? Education? Family? Struggles? Accomplishments? I was raised by a pack of wolves who gave me the jungle name “Mobley”… Oh wait? I’m sorry, I got my life mixed up with “the Jungle Book” again. Does that happen to anyone else here? Comon anyone? No? *** Favorite authors or books Aldous Huxley, James Clavell, Steven King, Hugh Heffner Which animal best describes your personality? um, like my second most favorite animal ever…a LIGER …GOSH! (Can I have your Tots?) ** What words best describe your personality? Supercalifragilisticixpialidocius ** Tell us about your views on dating etiquette. Door opening? Who pays? Every time I take a date out to a fine restuarant like Taco Bell, I always make sure that I hold the door and pay for dinner… Just kidding, I only take dates to Burger King. =) All kidding aside, I’m a classy guy. (if you replace the word “classy” with the word “Primate” and the word “Guy” with “loves Banannas”.) ** What are you most proud of? The time me and the rest of “the gang” discovered that “Old Man Winters” was actually behind the spooky haunting of the amusment park while trying to rob the nearby bank! (Thanks to help of Mama Cass, Sonny and Cher, and the Harlem Globe Trotters) Oh boy did we laugh when he said, “And I would of gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!” ** Do you live with anyone? Family/Roommates? I have an poison spitting Baboon locked in my closet whom I have been driving crazy with my Swiss Yodelling lessons. Someday he’ll probably break out and kill me for driving him mad… but hey, if he doesn’t like swiss yodelling than that is HIS problem! ** Have you ever hurt anyone’s feelings intentionally? When I was 6, I buried my “Chewbacca” action figure in the backyard for no good reason. So you see it’s true… You DO always hurt the ones you love. =( !!!! (Chewbacca voice) ** What qualities do you look for in the people you date? First I sniff your butt, then I make sure your leg is strong enough to hump it…then I check to see if you have any food or nice tasty bacon treats on you…after that we’d bark at each other and maybe rip up a shoe or something…. Hey DOWN BOY!! Get away from my keyboard!! WTF? My dog was typing on my PC again… Bad dog! BAD BAD BAD!! ** Tell us the best or worst lie you’ve ever told. Napoleon Dynomite was “based on a true story” of the actualy events of my life. But in the true story, there were ninjas. (The producres left them out due to budget constraints and pyro-technical problems during filming.) ** Any alergies/disabilities? Just one baby… Kryptonite! ** Why should that lucky woman pick you? One word… “MOJO” Baby YEAH! Do I make you hornny baby? Do I? ** Tell us about your favorite movie and why you like it so much. Instead of answering this question I’ll just recite the things that the kid in Jerry McGuire said: 1. The human head weighs 8 pounds 2. Dogs and Bees can smell fear 3. My neighbor has 3 rabbits ** Tell us what celebrity your sense of humor is most like and why. Instead of answering this question I would like to point out that mashed potatos taste better if you make them from scratch… =) well they do! ** What qualities do you look for in the people you date? Integrity, Honest, Kindness, A sense of Humor….and oh yeah! The sword fighting skills of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. ** Tell us more about your zodiac sign. Who the hell cares about my Zodiac sign? Just read your placemat the next time you eat at a Chinese Restuarant. I would rather like to talk about my favorite planet…Uranus. =) ** What are some activities that you’d enjoy on a date? What? No selection for no-holds-barred Canadian Bear wrestling? After “Legends of the fall” came out, every girl I go out with wants me to do this? ** Tell us what you would do if you were given $1 million dollars. Invest? Travel? Pay bills? I’d hire the “A-Team” what else? ** Tell us what you would ask for if you were granted 3 wishes. That depends? Would a really hot Genie like “Barbara Eden” be giving me the wishes or would it be some dude? Because really, I dont want guys having anything to do with my wishes…know what I mean? **Tell us what things in life are most important to you? I would like to turn this question over to “Conan the Barbarian” – 1977 Conan, what is best in life? -To crush the enemy… -To see them driven before you… -and to hear the lamentations of thier women! ** Tell us how you think other people view you and your appearance. At first glance they think I’m mild mannered Tommy Holly. But after I duck into the nearest phone booth and change into Superman they think… …that they might call the cops. 
** What is your favorite item of clothing? My lucky midget’s foot. (I really had to pull on that fuc*ker hard to get the foot off of em’ but it was worth it!) ** More about my ethnicity… My real name is Connor McCloud of the Clan McCloud. I was born in the Highlands of Scotland in 1492… I am immortal… I cannot die. ** What is your most humbling moment? I’ll make a long story really short… I was on stage a few years back and my costume had a hole in the worst possible spot. Later I was told people cold see my ball*s! UGH Yeah I still have nightmares about that one. ** In your bedroom one will find… Whips, chains, and a Oompa Loompa tied up in the corner…YEAH BABY YEAH!! Just kidding, the Oompa Loompa isn’t tied up! ** What celebrity do you resemble most? I’m Rick James bee*atch! Congratulations readers! You have made it to the end of my profile. Much like many a Shel Silverstein poem, this is “where the sidewalk ends…” =) Oh yeah here is some stuff that akes sense about me for reading all this insane cra*p, haha!
** What is your favorite item of clothing? My lucky midget’s foot. (I really had to pull on that fuc*ker hard to get the foot off of em’ but it was worth it!) ** More about my ethnicity… My real name is Connor McCloud of the Clan McCloud. I was born in the Highlands of Scotland in 1492… I am immortal… I cannot die. ** What is your most humbling moment? I’ll make a long story really short… I was on stage a few years back and my costume had a hole in the worst possible spot. Later I was told people cold see my ball*s! UGH Yeah I still have nightmares about that one. ** In your bedroom one will find… Whips, chains, and a Oompa Loompa tied up in the corner…YEAH BABY YEAH!! Just kidding, the Oompa Loompa isn’t tied up! ** What celebrity do you resemble most? I’m Rick James bee*atch! Congratulations readers! You have made it to the end of my profile. Much like many a Shel Silverstein poem, this is “where the sidewalk ends…” =) Oh yeah here is some stuff that akes sense about me for reading all this insane cra*p, haha!
danger zone Said:
on November 19, 2008 at 8:48 am
That isn’t funny. This story I wrote from 2004 is:
Watching repeatedly the images of the Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons melee of several weeks back took me back. It took me back to the days of growing up in the 80’s watching images of soccer hooliganism on a weekly basis and being enthralled with what I viewed. While most viewed the seemingly senseless violence as the downfall of a great sport, I took pleasure in the chaos and dysfunction between drunk and crazed fans as they battled rival supporters, police and innocent bystanders. The culmination was the 1985 Heysel Stadium disaster in which 39 Juventus supporters were crushed by a brick wall that collapsed on them as they tried to flee from charging Liverpool supporters. Watching the misery and death live on TV, it occurred to me I should be a part of this unsociable behaviour, the one causing the mayhem. As an 11 year old growing up in New Zealand however I was too young and living in a country far removed from such activity.
By 1990 I was in my third year of high school, attending the grand halls of Palmerston North Boys High School. I played soccer in a hopeless team, losing every week by large scores, the shame almost funny. After one defeat I was angered enough to punch a rival player in the ribs after he scored. This provoked a mass brawl in which we had to run from the field for our safety. I hadn’t wanted to leave. Demoralised I took a walk down to another park where the school’s 1’st XV Rugby side was playing. These were dire days for the schools premier team, and as I watched the once speedy winger Chris King outpaced by the Te Aute backline for another try I laughed. The 1’st XV lost 32-12, the glory days of the 70’s and 80’s waning as the new decade dawned.
After the game I watched a group of Boys High supporters assemble in the parking lot. I observed knives and cut off pool cues being hidden in pant legs, while a deranged individual named Hamish McCrae packed a BB Gun. I wondered what could be going on. The park deserted but the group of students remained. They made their way to a deserted field where nobody was present. Suddenly a car full of Te Aute supporters pulled up. Six sizable Maori’s climbed out, armed with switchblades and baseball bats. Although they were outnumbered ten to six the Te Aute boys didn’t run. Before anyone could react McCrae screamed ‘Coon!’ and shot one of the Te Aute gang in the eye. As he fell his mates ran to his aid, upon which they were jumped by the Boys High contingent. They were no match. Boys High’s toughest creamed them easily, the leader Ken Tonga exposing a rivals ass cheeks and slashing ‘PNBHS’ into his buttocks.
At school on Monday the rector Dave Syms condemned the incident. ‘If anyone knows anything, please see me and you will not be held accountable’. I watched the guilty party in their group smirking. As assembly finished the gang walked to class. I felt I should confront them about what I had seen, but I didn’t want to be victimised. At lunch they all sat at the tuck shop collecting money from some weaklings. Stuff it I thought, let’s see what they say. I confronted an individual known as Pape. ‘I saw what happened bro, I saw you guys waste those Te Aute poofters.’ Pape looked at Tonga. ‘Nah you didn’t see anything bro’ replied Tonga. ‘Now fuck off egg.’ I stood my ground. ‘Let me in the next rumble and I wont say anything, I promise.’ Shocked, they looked at each other in scared glances. ‘Just this once’ said a Samoan known only as Sooalo. The wild eyed McCrae stood up and said ‘You mess up and I’ll shoot you faggot! This blokes too small Ken!’
Despite McCrae’s protests I was in. The next fight was set for the next home game against New Plymouth Boys High, currently the best high school rugby side in the country. As such they crushed us 42-3, the season going from bad to worse. McCrae was sent off for stomping on someones head, his own mans, Richard Port. Eager for revenge the ten man assualt crew reconvened after the game angered, ready to salvage their pride against New Plymouth’s toughest. We drove to the same spot as the previous fight, this time in the darkness of night. Nobody spoke. Strking our toughest poses we stood waiting for the challengers, Instead we heard motorbikes. Dozens of them. I wanted to run. As they pulled up to us our worst fears were confirmed. It was the Te Aute chapter of the Mongrel Mob looking for revenge for their boys. The only weapon I had was a swichblade comb.
There were at least twenty of the hulking bastards. There was nowhere to go. The presumed leader stood us down. I recognised him as notorious crim Dean Hiroki, who had a rap sheet twenty pages long. ‘Are you the fulla’s who wasted Kingi and the lads?’ he asked. No one spoke. ‘I asked a question!’ bellowed the tattooed freak. ‘Maybe this make you remember!’ he yelled, pulling out an axe. He swung in the direction of Sooalo who ducked. The axe hit one of our cars and stuck there. We tried to run but we were outnumbered. I took off but was caught by a punch from behind. I was kicked relentlessly. I pretended to pass out. Out of the corner of my eye I watched McCrae bent over and violated with a beer bottle, while Tonga was hit with a brick. Pape was run over by a motorbike, while a few of the others actually escaped. After the Mob were finished I observed the carnage. McCrae was pantless and bleeding. Tonga was lifeless. Pape’s legs were broken. One of the group, a fellow named Adson seemed dead.
I made it home. The next day the police invaded the school. I was detained. Pape gave me up. Along with the others I was expelled. Several were arrested and jailed. The death of Adson shocked the community, not least the revelations of high school gang fighting. I got off easy. It didn’t stop me doing time in Waiorou jail for armed robbery with a wooden pistol a year later. That’s when I laughed at the outrage over Ron Artest throwing a few punches at some fat Mexicans. Is that all you’ve got?
Nail Whore Said:
on November 19, 2008 at 10:10 am
That was good! I was laughing like a mad cow…. So, are you going to date him????
Martini Girl Said:
on November 20, 2008 at 9:53 pm
DangerZone,
Now see, I found his profile original and very humorous. I think you know I like men who make me laugh, especially those smart ass kiwi’s.
Barb,
Hmmm… I don’t know.